The Fat Boys, My Glasses, and a new Baby

When you read the title up there I'm sure you were like "huh?". Well read on playa. On Thursday my pregnant wife went to her regular check up at the doctor's office. They said her blood pressure was a little high so they admitted her to the hospital for some observations. Next thing we know we are spending the night. They said we should be checked out the next morning. My thought was "cool I can still make my 2:00pm tee time".

Fast forward to Friday. Tests are being run and I notice we aren't leaving nor looking like we will be leaving anytime soon. Tee time gets cancelled (no big deal as the fam must come first). Come about 4:30ish the doctor arrives with the statement "looks like we will be doing a c-section tonight" (he had more tact than that but I couldn't tell you what he said). So after a little while of getting over that shock we make arrangements for Greg 2.0 who was at school. He gets picked up by some really great friends so I know it is like he is with Allstate, in good hands.

The nurse comes in with my new outfit. Nice greenish colored scrubs. I put them on and my first reaction when I looked in the mirror was to 'beat box'. BBBRBRBBRBRBRB Stick'em, Ha HA Stick'em. Oh yeah I was thrown back to The Fat Boys and their movie The Disorderlies where they played orderlies from a hospital. Yes I thought of The Fat Boys, not E.R. or Grey's Anatomy, or even Scrubs, The Fat Boys. My brain just works different than yours.

Ok let's get to the O.R. I come in and they got Melissa all ready for surgery which I would NOT be assisting with, I mean I didn't even stay at a Holiday Inn Express the night before. I sit down hold her hand then make sure I CANNOT SEE ANYTHING, you hear me? ANYTHING. All I wanted to see was her hand in mine and Melissa's face. During the procedure you hear stuff but I am talking to Mel making sure she is doing okay. The doctor on the other hand is talking about The Dark Knight. Yes he was, BTW a great movie. So I hear the baby come out and she is just a screamin'. That is good since she was so early. They ask if I want to see her and I said I do but I don't want to see anything over there (pointing to my wife's lower extremities). They were like aiight bet. Before they took Ashley (she did not have a name at the time but that has since been rectified) they let us see her. I was like cool, Mel cried...touching moment.

Here is the fun part. During reconstruction Melissa dozes off. At this time I have no one to have a conversation with, Melissa is out and the doctor has since stopped talking about Batman. I now start to pay attention to sounds. I hear a distinctive suction noise similar to the one you hear at the dentist that sucks up the saliva. Yep you know what they are sucking up, not a good pic. I hear the doctor struggle with something then say oh I got it. Then I hear them naming parts and where they go. Now I remember a marketing campaign that referred to chicken nuggets at fast food places as just parts and they said "parts is parts". Well it ain't true with fried chicken and it ain't true with my wife (or any other human). During these conversations the doc said something like "lets put the uterus back in", for me this is bad.

I sit back to wave the nurse over, I let her know I feel a little light-headed. She asks if I am ok and I was like "yeah I think but I feel a little..." I don't remember really finishing the thought. Next thing I know I am in outer space. Out there somewhere with Marvin the Martian, Buck Rodgers, and Will Robinson. My eyes are open yet I see nothing, I am just floating awaiting a Jedi to fly by and catch me. As I start to land back on earth light starts to eneter my sight. Still not knowing where I am I realize I am being pulled everywhere like Stretch Armstrong. Once I gain the knowledge of my whereabouts all I can see are my glasses on the floor. I am still being pulled but all I can think is "I need my glasses, there they are". Out of the corner of my right eye I see a stick enter my nasal area, pop, ammonia. Yeah baby ammonia, that'll bring ya back. Well not exactly it took three of them sticks to do the trick. During the ammonia fest all I could still think about was my glasses. I was then pulled into a wheelchair and wheeled out. They put me in the recovery room and right there next to the bed was... my glasses. I placed them on and started to laugh. I thought about the fact that I have a perfect record. I have two kids and to reference a Fat Boys song I had a Wipeout both times.